Why can’t we accept praise?

There was a time when I found it really difficult to accept praise. Looking back now, I realise it was all wrapped up in issues about my self-worth. That knowledge has made me really aware of how I respond to and give compliments today. All too frequently with my clients and in my everyday life I hear people who are unable to accept compliments. They deflect attention, turn away, change the subject.

Amy Schumer made a great sketch about this. She focuses on a group of attractive women who are completely unable to accept compliments. It was so relatable it went viral. If you haven’t watched it yet, check it out:

So, what is it that decides whether someone enjoys receiving compliments or whether they turn sour at the first hint of positive feedback?

Here are my top reasons why we find it difficult to accept compliments:

Over active inner critics

Many of us have a self sabotaging inner monologue which tells us that we’re not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough. When someone expresses an opinion that differs from our own, we feel vulnerable and exposed.

Receiving praise from others when we feel negatively about ourselves makes us feel uncomfortable (even if in a pleasurable way) because it conflicts with our existing belief system. If we believe we’re truly undesirable, hearing compliments about how attractive we are feels inauthentic. 

We’ve been conditioned

Modesty, the cultural and religious culprit behind society’s obsession with cultivating demure, submissive and compliant women, is ingrained into most females from an early age. The pressure to reject a compliment is part of female conditioning and can become second nature.

Many females want to appear humble and accepting

Girls also tend to be very critical of other girls who are confident and so often put a lot more effort into downplaying their abilities. 

Is it genuine?

A compliment – out of the blue – from a stranger? It throws many of us off. Like when I complimented the shop assistant on her nails and she gave me a very wary stare, laughed anxiously and then swiftly moved onto serving the next person. 

We often want to know why somebody is giving a compliment. We may be afraid that the complimenter wants something from us and so are less likely to believe it’s true. If it’s. stranger we haven’t yet built up any trust with them so our defence mechanisms are very active. Wary. Making sure we don’t put ourselves into any compromising positions that could be to our detriment.

Praise also has a large cultural and ideological element. It can be much more acceptable to praise children or express positive regard to adults in some cultures over others.

Top tips for stepping into your comfort compliment zone

Step 1

Start the day committing to giving 3 compliments to 3 different people. The compliment topics can be on anything you like - work, image, attitude etc

Step 2

Be aware of how those compliments are received and how you feel giving giving them. Do you feel comfortable or awkward? Does the person complimented seem wary or pleasantly surprised? Just take note of these feelings.

Step 3

Be conscious of when you are complimented and how you react. Make a concerted effort to accept any compliment without question, rejection or deflection.

Step 4

Eat. Sleep. Repeat. The more you bring awareness to complimenting others and being complimenting yourself the more you are expanding your comfort zone and the easier it will become.

Enjoy!!